Neighbourhood Sketch

Hello, my name is TONE. Erm, I don't think that I have formally introduced myself yet, well, maybe not on here at least. I am the one who did all the illustrations on this blog. I'm also a bluebottle, and I live here in Leroy's maisonette with Leroy, Major Gubbins and the others.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling a little uninspired, what I like to do is fly around the estate and sneak into the homes of our neighbours. You see, I find humans very odd and very interesting. The way that they behave in private is very different to how they behave in public. Fly's aren't really like that. We don't really have any hang up's. We're more, how you say, "what you see is what you get". 

Anyway, like I was saying, I enjoy watching my neighbours, and when I get back from doing so, I feel all inspired and I usually end up drawing the people that I have just been nebbing on. Here are a few that I did last week.

'Egg & Cress' by TONE.

The doodle above is of Kim, who lives a few doors down from us. Whenever I go round, she's always got an egg & cress sandwich on the go. She's a really nice lady, who believes everything deserves to live, even flies.

'Margaret and Her Ugly Pussy' by TONE.

This lady is called Margaret, she is a spinster, and she's always naked. I don't know for sure, but I think she was a big player in the late seventies naturist scene. Running events, building awareness, things like that. Oh, and she also works on the meat counter at the Meadowhead Morrison's. I always think of her when Leroy comes home from there with some fresh ham.

'Musical Marcus' by TONE.

The first time Trevor the Lady Towel saw this one he thought it was a bad attempt at Tom Cruise, but it's actually of a man called Marcus. He's a fan of musicals, but I can't imagine that anyone knows that about him. I love to go round when he's watching one, cos he always sings along and acts out each scene. Although, he did try and swat me once. 

- TONE.

P.S. Major Gubbins wanted me to mention that there won't be a new 'READ ME!' letter next month. This is because Minor Gubbins broke the printer trying to print "Major Gubbins is a very happy donkey dong" on a butter knife. Leroy's looking into getting us another one, either from the local dump or, failing that, a shop. 

Summary - Part 5

As I mentioned in the previous post, this summary won’t necessarily be a summary, but more of a hopes for the future kind-of-thing. So if that doesn’t make your toes curl, here goes.

When myself, TONE. and Leroy first started uploading our humorous (or humourless depending of what side of the proverbial fence you stand on) creations to ‘Major Gubbins’, we hadn’t a clue what we were doing, or what we really stood for. We only wanted to brighten up someone’s day and do something fun. 

But over the space of a year, events, creative interests and new friendships have changed what we feel 'Major Gubbins' should be about.

You see, thus far we've only really revealed one side of our unorthodox existence, the creative part, the part that can be manipulated, edited and perverted as far as our abilities will allow. 

But from now on it'd be nice to show off the parts we can't control. The working's out, the mistakes and the tiny nuances that life throws at us.

I suppose what I'm trying to get at is, we'd like it to be more personal and honest, hence why we started this blog. As a new start, a chance for us to get to know each other better, let you peep into our keyhole, have you round for tea, and so-on, and so-on...

Well, I guess that's it for these summaries. New things will  appear in the next few weeks.

But before I go, I'll leave you with 'The Show', April's addition to my add-to monthly album 'Intimate Moments in Public Places'.

- Major Gubbins

Summary - Part 4

There was a sudden influx in January. With the addition of Trevor the Lady Towel and my brother Minor Gubbins to our little family, and of course my sudden return, there felt to be a bit of a buzz here at Leroy's. 

I released 'Independence. Standardised.' the first song from my "add-to" monthly 12 track album 'Intimate Moments in Public Places', which, on the most part was written in the cocoon.

TONE. and I had a sudden creative spurt, to which the short lived feature’s ‘Innuendo for the Week’(largely inspired by Trevor's fondness for smut)...

‘Innuendo #1 - Blowing out the bare bulb’ by Major Gubbins & TONE.

(A specific slur, about a newly established romance that involves a bald man) : “You heard, Dorothy’s been blowing out the bare bulb.”

...'Midweek Missions'...

'Midweek Mission - No. 3' by TONE.

...and ‘Folk Quotes’ (born of TONE.'s fondness for earwigging, or fly-wigging) were born...

'Folk Quotes #2' by TONE.

...I reinvented ‘The Daily Post-it’ into ‘Physical Tweets’ so my inane spouting wouldn’t just be limited to post-it’s...

'I’m filled with unhappy bacteria' by Major Gubbins

Placed on a toilet seat, in the Frenchgate Shopping Centre, Doncaster.

...Trevor the Lady Towel began doing his very own ‘Dirty Doodles’...

'Bob-ra Bovril - Greggs' by Trevor the Lady Towel

...and our fifth ‘READ ME!’ letter was released onto the public, proving to be our most popular to date!

'READ ME! - January/February 2013' by Major Gubbins & TONE.

Q: What are you having for tea tonight?

January also saw Hill St. Rodent (bohemian, writer and down-to-earth good egg whom put me up for a few nights during my weakest moments at Christmas) join our motley crew with his series of short tales ‘The Trials and Tribulations of Tony Anthony’, about a Barnsley born disgruntled bus driver for the disabled, who winds up on fantastical adventures during the daily grind. Something to read after this post maybe ey.

We slipped into February in a similar fashion to January. I released the second song from ‘Intimate Moments in Public Places’ called ‘CCTV’...

...We hosted the second ‘Tarts & Vicars’ song ‘Sole’ as a pre-Valentines' treat, it proved to be a major flop, but lovely all the same...

During the same week, and seemingly out of the blue, Leroy hit rock bottom. We tried our best to cheer him up, but everything we did was greeted with failure. By Saturday the 16th I had decided to take matters into my own hands and with a pocket of loose change I headed to Meadowhall to buy him a gift to show him how much he means to us. 

Hours passed and my limited £8.77 budget was proving to be a hurdle that I couldn’t scale.

All avenues seemed to lead to a dead-end, until a great epiphany washed over me, resulting in the reanimation of Emily Quinn the mannequin. Who, after a brief scrap with a security guard, was intentionally (but without skill or the foggiest of how I did it) brought to life, by myself, in baited hope that she would talk to Leroy from a woman’s perspective. 

With some persuasion, Emily accepted to talk to Leroy. We later found out that Leroy’s sombre mood was the result of losing the one photo he owned of his first and only love. 

Emily also managed to open up Minor Gubbins, telling him that he should be venting his anger by doing something creative and instead of poo-pooing her suggestion, he began writing his ‘Minor Review’ that would wreak... erm... well, not wreak havoc, just reek I guess... 

"Loose Women. Well that was a big disappointment. I had to use my imagination throughout most of it.

- 2 out of 5"

...She also told TONE. that he should take some time away from ‘Major Gubbins’ to broaden his artistic horizons and since then he has been studying all types of different mediums and techniques, putting aside his illustrative funny bone and concentrating on form and texture.

Not wanting to lose the momentum that we’d started in January, but now a man, or should I say, fly down, we did our best to fill in the canyon sized holes that TONE. had temporarily left us with.

This resulted in Trevor’s ‘Penis Monologues’...

'Penis Monologue #1' by Trevor the Lady Towel

...our collaborative ‘Folly Feedback’...

'Folly Feedback #3 - Kit-Kat Chunky' by Major & Minor Gubbins

...and my ‘MAPS’, an idea that grew from artwork created for ‘Intimate Moments in Public Places’.

'MAP #1 (Meadowhall)' by Major Gubbins

In March, I dished out ‘Ernishell', a nasty song about the abuse of power and fame. 

And from an online point of view, March also marked our first year anniversary. Which funnily enough, got me thinking not of the past, but to the future, but I think I’ll save that for next week.

- Major Gubbins

Summary - Part 3

TONE. awoke on the morning of the 30th September 2012 to find a giant cocoon swingin’ from the kitchen ceiling. He rushed upstairs to wake me, but I was nowhere to be found. He and Leroy came to the conclusion that it must be me inside of the cocoon and thanks to a diet of CSI, a half read copy of a Sherlock Holmes novel and the magnifying glass that Leroy uses on top of his three pairs of reading specs, their hunch was elementary my dear readers.

During the months of October and November the creative spark that had driven TONE.’s creativity had been distinguished like a sparkler in a bucket of water. And Leroy, well, nothing happened to Leroy. 

Things became very sparse in the online ‘Major Gubbins’ world fo sho, but inside the cocoon things were just getting interesting. 

On top of the daily growth spurts and multiplying cells, all of my hatred, fear and anger separated from me, manifesting itself in the form of my spiteful little sibling Minor Gubbins. Of course things like that aren't very quiet. The sound of my body discombobulating sent shivers through the estate. TONE. managed to tape the horrific sounds using a boombox with a mic that Leroy keeps on the kitchen side to listen to cricket while he’s cooking.

On Christmas Eve I finally squirmed from my cocoon, no longer a scruffy amber beard with limbs, but a fully fledged nudey humanoid. Unfortunately, my glee was short lived, as my first steps were greeted by the same slime that I’d been pickled in for the last three months. I slipped on the slippery spillage and fell head first out of the kitchen window into a skip three floors below. The fall left me concussed and temporarily cost me the memory of everything that I’ve mentioned in the last two and a bit posts.

I awoke from the fall and upon clumsily climbing from the rubble I unknowingly began my rather unorthodox Christmas. Involving, among other things, bringing Trevor the Lady Towel to life (an embroidered bath towel, not sanitary - to his dismay) and being in the middle of a bar fight during an open mic night with “Hill” St. Rodent and the ‘Tarts & Vicars’. 

But of course, Christmas doesn’t just revolve around one person (unless you’re a traditionalist, I mean let us not forget that Dido was born on this day). At Leroy’s, Minor Gubbins was being mistaken for me, well, until he started running amok, being fowl mouthed, scoffing Leroy’s Christmas Jerk Turkey and replacing it with his very own “Yule Log”. It wasn’t long before Leroy and TONE. snapped, deciding to lock him up in a heavy duty Tupperware. 

TONE. soon became suspicious of all the out of character behaviour. Coming to the conclusion that it couldn’t be me  imprisoned in the Tupperware. He began to scour the internet, searching for any signs of odd occurrences in the Sheffield area. Then on the 30th December he found this very odd little video about bats by Barry B. Bodwinker...

...did you see me? I’m about half way in doing a dump (not that you see that, thankfully). TONE. instantly recognised me (even with that bag over my head) and for the next however many hours, he turned over every moss smothered stone and damp leaf until he finally found me up a tree interrogating a squirrel, ordering it to tells us (me and Trevor) where it had hidden it's nuts. 

I instantly recognised TONE.'s voice when he spoke but the flooding memories sent my brain into overdrive causing me to pass out. Next thing I remember I was on the ground, with my memory fully restored. I dusted myself off and after a brief catch up we all headed back to the flat just in time to begin the New Year.

Well, I hope that all made sense. For a fuller, more well-rounded account of what happened to me during my first week as a humanoid, why don’tcha read this. Next week’s post will be powered by Earl Grey and gherkins, till then, stay alive. 

- Major Gubbins

Summary - Part 2

In March 2012 we quietly entered the online world, not really knowing what we were doing, but with hearts firmly in the right place we soldiered on with our humorous take on the world.

Our first posts included a freshly finished song called ‘Golden Age’, featuring samples formed from Leroy’s gas cooker and Tupperware... 

...and TONE.’s porn/M&S Christmas catalogue collage mashup titled ‘MEAT’.

'MEAT #5' by TONE.

In April we delivered our first batch of ‘READ ME!’ letters to the public. The premise of which is not dissimilar to a message in a bottle, where we ask a simple question via the means of a sealed envelope which we scatter around in various locations, i.e. supermarkets/cafe’s, in baited hope of a stranger finding it and replying to us using Facebook or Twitter.

''READ ME #1 - Q: Are you proud to be British?' by Major Gubbins & TONE.

April also saw Leroy’s Google image cut & paste codpiece ‘Leroy's Literal Lyrics’... 

'Wisemen' by Leroy Craddock

...and my first musical body of work ‘The Saṃsāra EP’. 

TONE. hit his stride by the time May came along. He began to develop an illustrative style all of his own, which he would then master throughout the following months in his ‘Monochrome Musings’...

'Melty Eyes' by TONE.

'Hairy Legs' by TONE.

'Makers Reject' by TONE.

'Talk to the Hand' by TONE.

'Porno Pricilla' by TONE.

...and ‘Amusing Mulch’ features.

'The MET Office' by TONE.

'Mixed Showers' by TONE.

'Pooh!' by TONE.

'The Charity Clipboard Fundraiser Low Self-Esteem Foundation' by TONE.

'Pube Guitar' by TONE.

May was also when my failed attempt to free TONE. from inside of a locked car resulted in us going down South for a week. But it worked in our favour as it was in the same week that we started our second ‘READ ME!’ letter...

'READ ME #2 - Q: What makes you scream?!' by Major Gubbins & TONE.

...to which we gained a few more replies, one of which being the excellent Brighton based best-selling indie writer Tony Healey.

We came back from our little excursion filled with seaside air and bonces full of new ideas. One of which was ‘The Daily Post-it’, insightful nonsense written on a sticky backed note and discarded wherever seemed fittest. 

'Eat me! I taste of banana' by Major Gubbins

Stuck to a table in the Ponds Forge Cafeteria, Sheffield.

'I'm drunk!' by Major Gubbins

Stuck to an empty mug in Starbucks, Division Street, Sheffield.

'It would be bad Karma to screw me up and throw me away' by Major Gubbins

Stuck to a sofa in The Sheaf Island, Ecclesall Road, Sheffield.

Between June and August we worked continuously. I released ‘Sunday Wok Wash’... 

...and ‘The Daily Post-it’ became a staple feature, cropping up every few weeks... 

'Sit on my face' by Major Gubbins

Stuck to a bench in Orchard Square, Sheffield.

'People accuse me of being a little square' by Major Gubbins

Stuck to a bench in the passenger shelter at Dronfield Train Station.

'No point crying over it' by Major Gubbins

Stuck to a table in Morrisons Cafe, Hillsborough, Sheffield.

On the 29th September I began an eating binge (including a quick nibble on a charity Labrador) that was to result in the beginning of the end of my full on beard misdemeanor. But I’ll leave that story for another day.

Now, off to bed children.

- Major Gubbins

P.S. This post is but a mere morsel of what took place over the few months mentioned, for the bigger picture please thumb through our Facebook page. That is if we haven't already bored you senseless.