...And The Poo Bag - Teaser Poster

2 of 2.

- TONE.

The Key... - Teaser Poster

1 of 2.

- TONE.

Work in Progress...

I know, I know. The amusements have been few and far between recently. You see, we’re all taking a few months off to work on making ‘Major Gubbins’ the best it can be. So don’t you be thinkin’ we’ve stopped, or got bored, or died?... Hopefully not the last one ay.

We’re just busy doing what it is we do. Trevor and TONE. have been doodlin' profusely. Minor’s been reviewing everything from oak trees to Deal Or No Deal. Leroy’s been rustlin’ up culinary concoctions. Emily’s started interviewing the local characters here in Fakemoor. And me, well, I need to pull my finger out I guess.

'Work In Progress...' by TONE.

But anyway, in the meantime, TONE. has provided this splendid sketch for you to ogle over. 

Cheery'o,

- Major Gubbins

Zero Tolerance

So here it is, 'Zero Tolerance', the next track to be added to my monthly compiled album 'Intimate Moments in Public Places'...

...Albeit a week later than I'd previously planned thanks to Mrs. Pea and her broadband killin' clippers.

- Major Gubbins

Neighbourhood Sketch - Mrs. Pea

Hello, er, TONE. typing. Roughly a week and a half ago, I was, erm, round at Mrs. Pea's, the old lady with long sliver hair, who lives below us, but not directly below us, sort of right a bit. 

Anyway, Mrs. Pea has a, er, little garden, that she loves, and she does all the maintenance even though she's approaching her late-nineties. Things like repotting her pink azalea, deadheading her sweet pea's, and trimming her climbing roses...

'Mrs. Pea' by TONE.

...Which is what she was up to when I rested on her tiny plastic fence thingy, the one that separates her garden from the, erm, communal green... I think that's what it's called.

She was standing on a small set of steps, holding a pair of blunt looking clippers, and she mustn't have had her glasses on, cos she was cutting willy nilly. Then it appeared that she had come across a, er, really stubborn bit, cos she seemed to be using all of her might.

The second she finally cut through it, I heard Major shouting from Leroy's, so I flew up to see what was wrong.

Turns out that it wasn't a rose shoot that Mrs. Pea was cutting through, but our telephone cable, and just as Major was posting one of his 'Major Music Monday' posts.

As you can tell, we've got the, er, internet back now, but it's been sort of nice being without it. Everyone's been more chatty, maybe I'll ask Mrs. Pea to cut though our telephone line again soon.

- TONE.

Trevor's Dirty Doodles - I Smell of Wee Wee

Ayup loves, 

Mr. Howler, the old man in the flat below us, has one of them awful toilet mat dooburys, you know, that soaks up your piddle. Well the thought of that, ooh, it's only gone and got my creative juices flowing an't it loves...

'I Smell of Wee Wee' by Trevor the Lady Towel

...Major told me that if I ever misbehaved he'd bring it to life to torment me. You know, just like how he brought me to life. Think he's only joking though darlin'. Besides, he'd 'ave to touch it wun't he and I don't think he'd like that.

- Trevor the Lady Towel

Neighbourhood Sketch - New Keith on the Block

Hello, erm, TONE. typing. How have you, er, been? 

I've been round at Keith's. He's new to the estate, think he moved in over the weekend, and from what I gather he's going through a divorce. That's what they're called isn't it? A divorce?

Anyway, I was there for a good few hours. He was watching, oh, what's it called?... 'The Notebook', that's it, yeah, he's been watching that, oh and porn, lots of porn...

'Keith' by TONE.

...Before I left he received a phone call from his wife, I mean ex-wife, I think. Is that right? Jeez, I dunno! You humans are far to complicated sometimes!... Oh yeah, the phone call, well I couldn't make out much of it, but it seemed heated. Lots of shouting and crying.

Afterwards I tried to console him, but he went berserk! Started trying to swat me, calling me horrible things. "Bastard fly" this and "bastard fly" that. I was only being nice... So before I left I did a little fly poo on his stupid bald head. Ha!

Seriously though, I hope he gets over her soon, or they sort it out, if not for themselves then for their goldfish. Poor things in a right mess.

Erm, more nebbing and sketches soon, bye.

- TONE.

Repubic

If dark grooves, revenge and castration are your... bag...

...then insert my new track ‘Repubic’ into your listening tackle. 

- Major Gubbins

Trevor's Dirty Doodles - Bloody Grate!

Ayup loves, 

I've been doodling again. Look...  

'Well That's Bloody Grate!' by Trevor the Lady Towel 
& Major Gubbins

...This one came about when Major Gubbins sliced off some of his finger in the kitchen last week. He is a clumsy love.

- Trevor the Lady Towel

Neighbourhood Sketch - Father's Day (Pollyanna's Flat)

Hello, TONE. typing. So, I was, er, doing some of my usual nebbing about the estate yesterday, and I wound up in the kitchen of Pollyanna Twentywell. Her brother Nicholas was round, and er, they were talking about baking a cake for their Dad, because it was Father's Day. 

I know next to nothing about baking, but some of the ingredients seemed a bit odd to, er, say the least. There was an awful lot of rat poison in it for one, but the erm, cream-cheese icing they made separate looked quite, er, delish.

'Pollyanna Twentywell' by TONE. 

I hung around while it was cooking. I mean baking. They were talking about the fortune that their Dad had come into. Think it was something to do with, the er, shares or something. I don't really know, flies don't have currency of any kind, so it all goes over my head. They kept talking about a Will too. Not sure who he is.

'Nicholas Twentywell' by TONE.

There was a strange smell after a while, so I left. It didn't smell like burning, more like when Leroy is struggling to turn the oven on with a match.

Then I woke up this morning to sirens. Apparently there was a big explosion in Pollyanna's flat. Don't know if they were in it. Hopefully not, but they were very sleepy before I went. 

- TONE. 

606

What's the METRO, a Roland TR-606 drum machine, and Bootsy Collins all have in common?...

...Well, they all helped inspire and shape this, the sixth song from my add-to monthly album 'Intimate Moments in Public Places'.

- Major Gubbins

Leroy's Birthday!

Ayup loves,

It were Leroy's birthday yesterday, which meant we finally got to give him his pressie, a load of videos that me and Major Gubbins found in this abandoned suitcase. We had a rummage through the rest of the stuff, but it were all pretty norribles. Smelt funny and was covered in funny red stains.

In the morning, before Leroy got up, Major Gubbins made a little treasure hunt type doobury, you know, to make it fun love. He wrote little clues on post-its and stuck them around the flat, but Leroy didn't get it and went round chuntering about all the marks the glue had left on the wallpaper, putting them all in the bin, which luckily was where we'd hid the pile of videos. Ooh!

Leroy seemed really happy with the videos, so much so that he wanted to spend all day watching them. Minor Gubbins let him use the TV, on the condition that he could have it back at night, for a bit of blue, the filthy limpet.

The first video we watched were quite boring to be honest love, just a man cleaning guns, I usually like to see a man cleaning his weapon, and he was very thorough but it went on too long and I didn't like his blubbering. 

The second video was alright though, Baywatch, series one. Ooh! I'd like to be their beach towel and catch their pubic hair in my fibres. 

I were telling Gary the Slug all about it last night and this morning he turned up in this outfit. 

'Gary the Slug... Does Baywatch' by Trevor the Lady Towel

He is a handsome little slug.

- Trevor the Lady Towel

Towel Day

Ayup loves, 

Did you know that it's 'International Towel Day' today?! I didn't, Gary the Slug told me about it last night. I think it's got something to do with that 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' doobry, but I've never read it. 

I don't really read much to be honest darlin', what with being a towel. I'm more into drying your wet bits ooh!...

'Self-Portait' by Trevor the Lady Towel

...I like the idea of it being 'Towel Day' though. So I did this self-portrait to show my appreciation. Might even give 'Hitchhiker's...' a go later. I'm sure Leroy will have it somewhere. He's got most things kicking about the flat. 

That's all from me love's. I'm off downstairs cos it's Mr. Howler's weekly soak. I never miss it. He is thorough, ooh!

Cheery'o loves,

- Trevor the Lady Towel

Corner Radiator

Hello, Leroy here. I just wanted to update you all on something that happened to me today. I was walking down't country road, minding my own business and I found a pile of unwanted items that had been “fly tipped”, I think they call it.

So I started to have a nosey through it, and I found a radiator that sempt right enough. Weh’, I say that, it sempt to ‘uv been run over by some careless bloodclot (a mardy bus driver prob’ly) resulting in the radiator been bent in’t middle at a 90 degree angle. Din’t bother me much though, thought it’d no doubt come in useful, so I carried it home, and guess what, I come up with an ingenious invention. The corner radiator! 

It’s flippin’ great. 

You know, it’s all well and good having a radiator along middle of a wall, but you have your furniture, like tables and big stuffed panda eggs, that you want to put there, and’t radiator gets in’t way! 

And what goes in’t corners of rooms anyweh’? I’ll tell you what, nowt! Not until corner radiators take off! 

The only slight problem is that I think a naked mole rat made its home in’t pile of stuff when it were run over. And I din’t realise, but the pink smear on’t back was not a funky paint job. So now every time I turn it on, it’s a smell that I can only describe as smeared, dead, run over mole rat on’t back of the radiator smell. 

Anyweh’, corner radiators, watch this space!

- Leroy Craddock

Major Gubbins' Right Hand

Erm, hello. TONE. typing. For a short while now I have been practising my life-drawing skills on Major Gubbins, or the bits of him he's willing to show me hehe. 

I originally asked Emily, because she's a mannequin. I thought she would be like a big version of those little wooden men, but she just gave me a funny look. Think I must've phrased it all wrong. 

Well, err, anyway. All the drawings below are of Major Gubbins' right hand, and they were all done with a 4B pencil. It wasn't a conscience choice, it was the only pencil that I had left after Minor Gubbins had finished throwing them out of the window at our neighbours. One of them got stuck on poor old Mr. Howler's bald head. I think it's still there actually. 

'Major Gubbins' Right Hand #1' by TONE.

'Major Gubbins' Right Hand #2' by TONE.

'Major Gubbins' Right Hand #3' by TONE.

'Major Gubbins' Right Hand #4' by TONE.

'Major Gubbins' Right Hand #5' by TONE.

'Major Gubbins' Right Hand #6' by TONE.

'Major Gubbins' Right Hand #7' by TONE.

I'm happy with them, but I feel like I've still got some way to go. I have some of his left hand that I'll post sometime maybe. I also have some that I did with oil pastels. Maybe I'll post them too.

Erm, until then, look after yourselves. Oh, and thanks for reading. 

- TONE.

Tea-Break Tomfookary

Alreight yous, Minor Gubbins 'ere cos mi' brother Major Gubbins has given mi' this stupid 'Tea-Break Tomfookary' to do. He told mi' we should maybe do summit like that crap 'Midweek Mission' thing that he and TONE. used to do, but he thought that I'd be better at it. Anyweh', it's stuff for yous to do at work, on ya' tea-break or whatever. Unless you're like me that is, and ya' don't work. Then just do it to a stranger or your family.

1. Leave a piece of food in ya' teeth and see if anyone's nice enough to say summit to yous about it. Those who don’t go straight on the ‘prick-list’.

2. Put a pigs head in the staff fridge with a note saying “you’re next!” in its gob.

3. When no one’s looking unscrew all the office furniture, leaving it all in place. Don’t forget to film it, yeah, not when there’s £250 quid or YouTube stardom to be had. Idiots love that stuff. 

4. Replace any hand sanitiser that's kickin' about wi' dog urine, or your own if ya' can't find a dog.

5. Ring ya' mobile phone provider for a chat. It proper throws ‘em off.

That's all for now, bye-bye then.

- Minor Gubbins

Hillsborough In Bloom...

Most weekends TONE., Trevor and myself leave the comfort of the flat to have a potter in one of Sheffield's many creases.

And this morning was no different. We set off early and ended up in Hillsborough, greeted by this fine show of...

...nature using irony.

- Major Gubbins

Q-TRON

As promised here is 'Q-TRON'. A sun-tinged, morphing mix of hip-hop beats, sprawling synths and sonically profound guitars...

...that just so happens to be May's addition to my album 'Intimate Moments in Public Places'. 

- Major Gubbins

The Fifth Song...

Since January, I have been releasing my twelve track album 'Intimate Moments in Public Places' one wee ditty at a time, with a new track being posted on the first Friday of every month.

And what with this Friday being the first one of May, I'll be sticking with tradition by adding the fifth song, 'Q-TRON' to the four already up on SoundCloud...

'Q-TRON - Cover Artwork' by Major Gubbins & TONE. 

...And while I'm on the subject, here are the first four tracks to tickle into your symmetrical side-holes, or ears if you will... 

...Cheery-by for now, 

- Major Gubbins

Neighbourhood Sketch

Hello, my name is TONE. Erm, I don't think that I have formally introduced myself yet, well, maybe not on here at least. I am the one who did all the illustrations on this blog. I'm also a bluebottle, and I live here in Leroy's maisonette with Leroy, Major Gubbins and the others.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling a little uninspired, what I like to do is fly around the estate and sneak into the homes of our neighbours. You see, I find humans very odd and very interesting. The way that they behave in private is very different to how they behave in public. Fly's aren't really like that. We don't really have any hang up's. We're more, how you say, "what you see is what you get". 

Anyway, like I was saying, I enjoy watching my neighbours, and when I get back from doing so, I feel all inspired and I usually end up drawing the people that I have just been nebbing on. Here are a few that I did last week.

'Egg & Cress' by TONE.

The doodle above is of Kim, who lives a few doors down from us. Whenever I go round, she's always got an egg & cress sandwich on the go. She's a really nice lady, who believes everything deserves to live, even flies.

'Margaret and Her Ugly Pussy' by TONE.

This lady is called Margaret, she is a spinster, and she's always naked. I don't know for sure, but I think she was a big player in the late seventies naturist scene. Running events, building awareness, things like that. Oh, and she also works on the meat counter at the Meadowhead Morrison's. I always think of her when Leroy comes home from there with some fresh ham.

'Musical Marcus' by TONE.

The first time Trevor the Lady Towel saw this one he thought it was a bad attempt at Tom Cruise, but it's actually of a man called Marcus. He's a fan of musicals, but I can't imagine that anyone knows that about him. I love to go round when he's watching one, cos he always sings along and acts out each scene. Although, he did try and swat me once. 

- TONE.

P.S. Major Gubbins wanted me to mention that there won't be a new 'READ ME!' letter next month. This is because Minor Gubbins broke the printer trying to print "Major Gubbins is a very happy donkey dong" on a butter knife. Leroy's looking into getting us another one, either from the local dump or, failing that, a shop. 

Summary - Part 5

As I mentioned in the previous post, this summary won’t necessarily be a summary, but more of a hopes for the future kind-of-thing. So if that doesn’t make your toes curl, here goes.

When myself, TONE. and Leroy first started uploading our humorous (or humourless depending of what side of the proverbial fence you stand on) creations to ‘Major Gubbins’, we hadn’t a clue what we were doing, or what we really stood for. We only wanted to brighten up someone’s day and do something fun. 

But over the space of a year, events, creative interests and new friendships have changed what we feel 'Major Gubbins' should be about.

You see, thus far we've only really revealed one side of our unorthodox existence, the creative part, the part that can be manipulated, edited and perverted as far as our abilities will allow. 

But from now on it'd be nice to show off the parts we can't control. The working's out, the mistakes and the tiny nuances that life throws at us.

I suppose what I'm trying to get at is, we'd like it to be more personal and honest, hence why we started this blog. As a new start, a chance for us to get to know each other better, let you peep into our keyhole, have you round for tea, and so-on, and so-on...

Well, I guess that's it for these summaries. New things will  appear in the next few weeks.

But before I go, I'll leave you with 'The Show', April's addition to my add-to monthly album 'Intimate Moments in Public Places'.

- Major Gubbins

Summary - Part 4

There was a sudden influx in January. With the addition of Trevor the Lady Towel and my brother Minor Gubbins to our little family, and of course my sudden return, there felt to be a bit of a buzz here at Leroy's. 

I released 'Independence. Standardised.' the first song from my "add-to" monthly 12 track album 'Intimate Moments in Public Places', which, on the most part was written in the cocoon.

TONE. and I had a sudden creative spurt, to which the short lived feature’s ‘Innuendo for the Week’(largely inspired by Trevor's fondness for smut)...

‘Innuendo #1 - Blowing out the bare bulb’ by Major Gubbins & TONE.

(A specific slur, about a newly established romance that involves a bald man) : “You heard, Dorothy’s been blowing out the bare bulb.”

...'Midweek Missions'...

'Midweek Mission - No. 3' by TONE.

...and ‘Folk Quotes’ (born of TONE.'s fondness for earwigging, or fly-wigging) were born...

'Folk Quotes #2' by TONE.

...I reinvented ‘The Daily Post-it’ into ‘Physical Tweets’ so my inane spouting wouldn’t just be limited to post-it’s...

'I’m filled with unhappy bacteria' by Major Gubbins

Placed on a toilet seat, in the Frenchgate Shopping Centre, Doncaster.

...Trevor the Lady Towel began doing his very own ‘Dirty Doodles’...

'Bob-ra Bovril - Greggs' by Trevor the Lady Towel

...and our fifth ‘READ ME!’ letter was released onto the public, proving to be our most popular to date!

'READ ME! - January/February 2013' by Major Gubbins & TONE.

Q: What are you having for tea tonight?

January also saw Hill St. Rodent (bohemian, writer and down-to-earth good egg whom put me up for a few nights during my weakest moments at Christmas) join our motley crew with his series of short tales ‘The Trials and Tribulations of Tony Anthony’, about a Barnsley born disgruntled bus driver for the disabled, who winds up on fantastical adventures during the daily grind. Something to read after this post maybe ey.

We slipped into February in a similar fashion to January. I released the second song from ‘Intimate Moments in Public Places’ called ‘CCTV’...

...We hosted the second ‘Tarts & Vicars’ song ‘Sole’ as a pre-Valentines' treat, it proved to be a major flop, but lovely all the same...

During the same week, and seemingly out of the blue, Leroy hit rock bottom. We tried our best to cheer him up, but everything we did was greeted with failure. By Saturday the 16th I had decided to take matters into my own hands and with a pocket of loose change I headed to Meadowhall to buy him a gift to show him how much he means to us. 

Hours passed and my limited £8.77 budget was proving to be a hurdle that I couldn’t scale.

All avenues seemed to lead to a dead-end, until a great epiphany washed over me, resulting in the reanimation of Emily Quinn the mannequin. Who, after a brief scrap with a security guard, was intentionally (but without skill or the foggiest of how I did it) brought to life, by myself, in baited hope that she would talk to Leroy from a woman’s perspective. 

With some persuasion, Emily accepted to talk to Leroy. We later found out that Leroy’s sombre mood was the result of losing the one photo he owned of his first and only love. 

Emily also managed to open up Minor Gubbins, telling him that he should be venting his anger by doing something creative and instead of poo-pooing her suggestion, he began writing his ‘Minor Review’ that would wreak... erm... well, not wreak havoc, just reek I guess... 

"Loose Women. Well that was a big disappointment. I had to use my imagination throughout most of it.

- 2 out of 5"

...She also told TONE. that he should take some time away from ‘Major Gubbins’ to broaden his artistic horizons and since then he has been studying all types of different mediums and techniques, putting aside his illustrative funny bone and concentrating on form and texture.

Not wanting to lose the momentum that we’d started in January, but now a man, or should I say, fly down, we did our best to fill in the canyon sized holes that TONE. had temporarily left us with.

This resulted in Trevor’s ‘Penis Monologues’...

'Penis Monologue #1' by Trevor the Lady Towel

...our collaborative ‘Folly Feedback’...

'Folly Feedback #3 - Kit-Kat Chunky' by Major & Minor Gubbins

...and my ‘MAPS’, an idea that grew from artwork created for ‘Intimate Moments in Public Places’.

'MAP #1 (Meadowhall)' by Major Gubbins

In March, I dished out ‘Ernishell', a nasty song about the abuse of power and fame. 

And from an online point of view, March also marked our first year anniversary. Which funnily enough, got me thinking not of the past, but to the future, but I think I’ll save that for next week.

- Major Gubbins