Summary - Part 4

There was a sudden influx in January. With the addition of Trevor the Lady Towel and my brother Minor Gubbins to our little family, and of course my sudden return, there felt to be a bit of a buzz here at Leroy's. 

I released 'Independence. Standardised.' the first song from my "add-to" monthly 12 track album 'Intimate Moments in Public Places', which, on the most part was written in the cocoon.

TONE. and I had a sudden creative spurt, to which the short lived feature’s ‘Innuendo for the Week’(largely inspired by Trevor's fondness for smut)...

‘Innuendo #1 - Blowing out the bare bulb’ by Major Gubbins & TONE.

(A specific slur, about a newly established romance that involves a bald man) : “You heard, Dorothy’s been blowing out the bare bulb.”

...'Midweek Missions'...

'Midweek Mission - No. 3' by TONE.

...and ‘Folk Quotes’ (born of TONE.'s fondness for earwigging, or fly-wigging) were born...

'Folk Quotes #2' by TONE.

...I reinvented ‘The Daily Post-it’ into ‘Physical Tweets’ so my inane spouting wouldn’t just be limited to post-it’s...

'I’m filled with unhappy bacteria' by Major Gubbins

Placed on a toilet seat, in the Frenchgate Shopping Centre, Doncaster.

...Trevor the Lady Towel began doing his very own ‘Dirty Doodles’...

'Bob-ra Bovril - Greggs' by Trevor the Lady Towel

...and our fifth ‘READ ME!’ letter was released onto the public, proving to be our most popular to date!

'READ ME! - January/February 2013' by Major Gubbins & TONE.

Q: What are you having for tea tonight?

January also saw Hill St. Rodent (bohemian, writer and down-to-earth good egg whom put me up for a few nights during my weakest moments at Christmas) join our motley crew with his series of short tales ‘The Trials and Tribulations of Tony Anthony’, about a Barnsley born disgruntled bus driver for the disabled, who winds up on fantastical adventures during the daily grind. Something to read after this post maybe ey.

We slipped into February in a similar fashion to January. I released the second song from ‘Intimate Moments in Public Places’ called ‘CCTV’...

...We hosted the second ‘Tarts & Vicars’ song ‘Sole’ as a pre-Valentines' treat, it proved to be a major flop, but lovely all the same...

During the same week, and seemingly out of the blue, Leroy hit rock bottom. We tried our best to cheer him up, but everything we did was greeted with failure. By Saturday the 16th I had decided to take matters into my own hands and with a pocket of loose change I headed to Meadowhall to buy him a gift to show him how much he means to us. 

Hours passed and my limited £8.77 budget was proving to be a hurdle that I couldn’t scale.

All avenues seemed to lead to a dead-end, until a great epiphany washed over me, resulting in the reanimation of Emily Quinn the mannequin. Who, after a brief scrap with a security guard, was intentionally (but without skill or the foggiest of how I did it) brought to life, by myself, in baited hope that she would talk to Leroy from a woman’s perspective. 

With some persuasion, Emily accepted to talk to Leroy. We later found out that Leroy’s sombre mood was the result of losing the one photo he owned of his first and only love. 

Emily also managed to open up Minor Gubbins, telling him that he should be venting his anger by doing something creative and instead of poo-pooing her suggestion, he began writing his ‘Minor Review’ that would wreak... erm... well, not wreak havoc, just reek I guess... 

"Loose Women. Well that was a big disappointment. I had to use my imagination throughout most of it.

- 2 out of 5"

...She also told TONE. that he should take some time away from ‘Major Gubbins’ to broaden his artistic horizons and since then he has been studying all types of different mediums and techniques, putting aside his illustrative funny bone and concentrating on form and texture.

Not wanting to lose the momentum that we’d started in January, but now a man, or should I say, fly down, we did our best to fill in the canyon sized holes that TONE. had temporarily left us with.

This resulted in Trevor’s ‘Penis Monologues’...

'Penis Monologue #1' by Trevor the Lady Towel

...our collaborative ‘Folly Feedback’...

'Folly Feedback #3 - Kit-Kat Chunky' by Major & Minor Gubbins

...and my ‘MAPS’, an idea that grew from artwork created for ‘Intimate Moments in Public Places’.

'MAP #1 (Meadowhall)' by Major Gubbins

In March, I dished out ‘Ernishell', a nasty song about the abuse of power and fame. 

And from an online point of view, March also marked our first year anniversary. Which funnily enough, got me thinking not of the past, but to the future, but I think I’ll save that for next week.

- Major Gubbins

Summary - Part 3

TONE. awoke on the morning of the 30th September 2012 to find a giant cocoon swingin’ from the kitchen ceiling. He rushed upstairs to wake me, but I was nowhere to be found. He and Leroy came to the conclusion that it must be me inside of the cocoon and thanks to a diet of CSI, a half read copy of a Sherlock Holmes novel and the magnifying glass that Leroy uses on top of his three pairs of reading specs, their hunch was elementary my dear readers.

During the months of October and November the creative spark that had driven TONE.’s creativity had been distinguished like a sparkler in a bucket of water. And Leroy, well, nothing happened to Leroy. 

Things became very sparse in the online ‘Major Gubbins’ world fo sho, but inside the cocoon things were just getting interesting. 

On top of the daily growth spurts and multiplying cells, all of my hatred, fear and anger separated from me, manifesting itself in the form of my spiteful little sibling Minor Gubbins. Of course things like that aren't very quiet. The sound of my body discombobulating sent shivers through the estate. TONE. managed to tape the horrific sounds using a boombox with a mic that Leroy keeps on the kitchen side to listen to cricket while he’s cooking.

On Christmas Eve I finally squirmed from my cocoon, no longer a scruffy amber beard with limbs, but a fully fledged nudey humanoid. Unfortunately, my glee was short lived, as my first steps were greeted by the same slime that I’d been pickled in for the last three months. I slipped on the slippery spillage and fell head first out of the kitchen window into a skip three floors below. The fall left me concussed and temporarily cost me the memory of everything that I’ve mentioned in the last two and a bit posts.

I awoke from the fall and upon clumsily climbing from the rubble I unknowingly began my rather unorthodox Christmas. Involving, among other things, bringing Trevor the Lady Towel to life (an embroidered bath towel, not sanitary - to his dismay) and being in the middle of a bar fight during an open mic night with “Hill” St. Rodent and the ‘Tarts & Vicars’. 

But of course, Christmas doesn’t just revolve around one person (unless you’re a traditionalist, I mean let us not forget that Dido was born on this day). At Leroy’s, Minor Gubbins was being mistaken for me, well, until he started running amok, being fowl mouthed, scoffing Leroy’s Christmas Jerk Turkey and replacing it with his very own “Yule Log”. It wasn’t long before Leroy and TONE. snapped, deciding to lock him up in a heavy duty Tupperware. 

TONE. soon became suspicious of all the out of character behaviour. Coming to the conclusion that it couldn’t be me  imprisoned in the Tupperware. He began to scour the internet, searching for any signs of odd occurrences in the Sheffield area. Then on the 30th December he found this very odd little video about bats by Barry B. Bodwinker...

...did you see me? I’m about half way in doing a dump (not that you see that, thankfully). TONE. instantly recognised me (even with that bag over my head) and for the next however many hours, he turned over every moss smothered stone and damp leaf until he finally found me up a tree interrogating a squirrel, ordering it to tells us (me and Trevor) where it had hidden it's nuts. 

I instantly recognised TONE.'s voice when he spoke but the flooding memories sent my brain into overdrive causing me to pass out. Next thing I remember I was on the ground, with my memory fully restored. I dusted myself off and after a brief catch up we all headed back to the flat just in time to begin the New Year.

Well, I hope that all made sense. For a fuller, more well-rounded account of what happened to me during my first week as a humanoid, why don’tcha read this. Next week’s post will be powered by Earl Grey and gherkins, till then, stay alive. 

- Major Gubbins