Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Right Crispy Bit


My oh my, not only does it still smell like an infected skunk sphincter round the estate, but Leroy’s passion for hoarding the neighbourhood's uncollected rubbish is getting out of hand! 

For instance, I woke this morning underneath a pile of promotional posters from the newly opened Fidl supermarket. One of which screamed,‘the price of Viagra is staying down, so you don't have to!’. 

When I queried Leroy about it he told me “We’h, they might need ‘em next year. I’m just doin’ my part for the environment by holdin' on to 'em. Ay, you gonna ‘ave some breakfast pal?”

Incidentally, breakfast was an uninspiring bowl of UHT milk, because it was the only thing A) I trusted and B) I could reach for over the dozen or so barrels of used cooking oil from 'Munchies', the pizza drug den down the way. “I reckon it in’t as used as they say it is...” Leroy proclaimed after I’d submerged my rear in a open barrel, mistaking it for a chair. “Aye, plenty more use in it yet. And, occasionally, you get a little surprise in it. Oh aye, like a right crispy bit.” I tried to tell him that he could use the oil to fuel his farty moped, but he just talked over me.

The rest of the day was wasted trying to get to the computer so I could start recording a new batch of tracks. By the time I'd moved the pile of overflowing foraged crap it was teatime. Which for me was vegetable tempura with some left over salsa dip. Guess who ended up with the "right crispy bit".

- Major Gubbins

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